I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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