Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
