Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
