When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
