I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
