This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
