Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
