If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
