2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
