I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
