Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
