I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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