Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
