Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
