I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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