life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
