i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
