and you said cock pushups were impossible
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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