I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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