Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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