remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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