this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
