meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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