It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
