After last night, I could never be a politician.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
