why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
