ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
