When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
