he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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