Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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