Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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