Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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