"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
