I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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