when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
