That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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