Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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