Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
It's never too late to be topless.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
