my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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