just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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