Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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