I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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