when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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