how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
