he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
