It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
