I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
