Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
