oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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