I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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