And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
as a side note pls kill me
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
